Back in the days of Bedknobs and Broomsticks, if you wanted to offload something, you headed for Portobello Road. (Portobello road, Portobello road – street where the riches of ages are stowed. Anything and everything a chap can unload Is sold off the barrow in Portobello road.)

Today, when you’re trying to ditch your junk, you join an internet email group for scavengers. I joined Freecycle about six months ago, purely to get rid of a few old filing cabinets that, I thought, you couldn’t give away. Turns out I was wrong. You can give ANYTHING away.

I still get the emails, and every now and then, one will make me laugh out loud. Today’s collection of insansely random giveaways is a doozy, and it’s from Paula:

Clearing out and have the following to offer:

• cat food – 9 small tins of gourmet gold (3 x beef, 2 x chicken and liver, 2 x salmon and sole, 2 x turkey and duck) and one foil tray of Marks and Spencers organic luxury chicken dinner with vegetables
• fish bowl and some ornaments – standard starter size – home to our late goldfish for nearly 7 years
• a thing for making crisps in the microwave – it’s a plastic ring with lots of little slits to put your finely sliced potatoes in – the theory is that
  it’s no-fat crisps – but they’re not quite tayto!
• a free-standing magnetic triangle for holding knives, but could also be used on a desk for notes, etc
• a thing you can put into the neck of an empty bottle to turn it into a candlestick [i.e - a fucking CANDLE?]
• 2 Halloween cookie cutters – from Crate and Barrel, I think – one cuts out BOO, the other a frightened cat
• an electronic suduko game
• a child’s electronic password journal – needs batteries
• All can be collected in [and I didn't make this up - you couldn't] Portbello.