When I heard the news about the demise of the spiceburger, I knew there was one person I had to speak to. One person who it had the potential to hit harder than anyone else. The Spice Burger Kid.

A friend of mine, back in the day, was the kid on the Spice Burger poster. He was, in very real terms, the Spice Burger Kid. He’s now a respected businessman, so let’s call him Mickey da Spice.

Me: I heard the bad news

MdS: What bad news? What do you know?

Me: The spiceburger. It’s dead, no more spiceburger. The company went bust.

MdS: Aaaa ha ah ha haa. I thought you had something important, you had me scared.

Turns out that Mickey da Spice wasn’t the biggest fan of the product. Always a finicky eater, no spiceburger ever passed his lips,  and he refused to eat them at the poster photo shoot, much to the dismay of: ‘the guy from the company – he was there. It was pretty bad’

He rang me back later in the evening, after I had been to my local chipper for a final dose of spiceburger.

Me: Mr Spice.

MdS: Mr Nolan, what you up to?

Me: Actually, I’m having my dinner, I have two spiceburgers in front of me.

MdS: Seriously?

Me: Yeah.

MdS: Whaddya think? Will you miss them?

Me: They’re fucking vile.