“And to the right we’ll have gluten-free hosts suitable for coeliacs.”

Originally uploaded by seminarianvoitus

With that sentence, according to old Christian doctrine, will my soul may have been cast into the eternal fires of hell, as it signalled the end of my belief in holy communion.  It’s quite a bizarre feeling, fiery damnation. Uncomfortably warm. But, by the old rules, that little PC slip of the tongue, if you’ll excuse the pun, would have put the priests doling it out in Satan’s company too. Confused? Amen to that.

It happened at a funeral I attended recently, where gluten-free communion was offered. What a bizarre world we live in when a holy wafer the size of a 50cent piece must meet special dietary needs. However, let’s not look into the recommended daily allowance of gluten in your average communion wafer. That would be silly. More importantly, didn’t we learn in school that the wafer is no longer just a wafer after the benediction? Is it not – shazam – entirely composed of the body of Jesus Christ? Surely, if that’s the case, there’s no need to provide for coeliacs, because the process of transubstantiation would, miraculously, remove the gluten in the ‘fleshing’ process? Not so, and neither is it right to suggest that the ministers of the eucharist, on this occasion, were flirting with fiery oblivion.

Back in the olden days, apparently, anyone who would deny transubstantiation was deemed a dangerous heretic, and was to be subjected to an excommunication so severe, so irrevocable, that it could only be carried out by the Pope himself. If you presumed that the wafers were not eclusively made up of the body and blood of Jesus Christ, you were punished by anathema and cast out of the church for eternity. Scorching damnation awaited anyone who “denieth, that, in the sacrament of the most holy Eucharist, are contained truly, really, and substantially, the body and blood together with the soul and divinity of our Lord Jesus Christ, and consequently the whole Christ; but saith that He is only therein as in a sign, or in figure, or virtue”

A pretty severe penalty, but with the inconvenient advent of ‘science’ and an rise in the questioning of holy authority, an increasingly unlikely one.  Salvation’s retail outlets began rolling back their definition in the light of atomic science, offering a new deal. They began defining transubstantiation more figuratively. The host was now something not phsyically derived from Jesus’ physical person, but imbued with his metaphysical properties, while remaining bread-like in this, human, world. Convenient.

Convenient, in the current world of dietary sensititivy, because it meant that when the priest provided a coeliac option, he wasn’t suggesting that Jesus Christ’s carcass came in a wheat-free form. THAT would be crazy, and mean instant death. He was merely suggesting that the bread which was imbued with the metaphysical properties from Jesus would not inflame the gut of anyone with a gluten intolerance. It was stomach-friendly soul food, but soul food none the less.

All of which makes perfect sense, a religious work-around you can believe in. If, that is, you can swallow it.
Update: When the Staff of Life is Toxic

This is what happens when a flood of Irish heads south to escape the economic winter. The headlines from the Irish Echo are filled with stories of drunken altercations, car crashes and a litany of drunk, stoned and plain stupid backpackers and should-know-betters doing what comes naturally.

Ask yourself what news you’ve heard of the Irish antipodeans lately, and apart from Qantas head honcho Alan Joyce and the Irish cyclist in the Tour of Adelaide, it’s all rampaging pikeys and drunken affray.

Get it together, lads.

Read the full stories on the Irish Echo news blog here.

It’s Blog Awards time. We have a month to go until the cyber-swarm descends on Cork, so prepare yourself for a barrage of masturbatory online self-promotion  the nominees get whittled down to a shortlist, then further by the public vote.  Vote for me! Vote for me! Vote for me and get your friends to vote for me! Vote for me and I’ll give you a sweetie! Vomit.

Despite the end result, in which the deserving cream has inevitably risen to the top thus far, the clamouring for votes and faux-modesty with which people surreptitiously clamour for votes belittles the awards process and the blog community as a whole. It turns it into Pop Idol. I hate Pop Idol/X Factor/You’re A Star/I’m a talentless miscreant, dig me out of my deserved obscurity.

So I’m pleading with you, here, judges. Spurn the beggars. It’s unlikely to happen anyway, but don’t let me through to the shortlist stage, either. Vote for one of the other candidates in my category that are more worthy.  It’s a great category, and I’m honoured to be in the company of some of the writers below. But fuck it, I shouldn’t be here. I nominated Crime,Ink for the category, a stunning newcomer to the blog world and a fantastic window into the toughest area of journalism in Ireland. If I could have nominated two for the category, I would have nominated the Irish Times Politics Blog. Seasoned blogger Harry McGee fits in here like hand in glove, and gives a regular peek behind the scenes, sharing personal opinions on the politics of the day and how he covers it. But the star, for me, is Deaglán de Breadúin. Deaglán is an Ivory Tower stalwart, a long-serving member of the establishment, but has taken to blogging like a duck to water. It’s great to see traditional Irish media waking up to the blog world, and I’d love to see Deaglán and Harry on the podium earning the recognition they deserve, even if it does mean the award going to madam’s minions for two years straight.

They’re my top picks, but they’re not the only worthy reads, so the category is divvied up below. Get stuck in, but don’t fucking vote for me. Don’t vote for my friends. There are no sweets in it for you. Do us all a favour, and vote for the good guys.

In My Reader:

Adam Maguire: http://adammaguire.com/blog
Gavin’s Blog: http://gavinsblog.com
On The Record: http://irishtimes.com/blogs/ontherecord
I Have Grave News: http://johnniecraig.wordpress.com
Crime, Ink: http://irishcrimereporter.blogspot.com
Ireland, From A Safe Distance — Expad: http://expad.ie
David Mcwilliams: http://davidmcwilliams.ie
Politics: http://irishtimes.com/blogs/politics
Techno-culture: http://techno-culture.com

Not In My Reader (yet):

Pursued By A Bear: http://irishtimes.com/blogs/pursuedbyabear
Unarocks: http://unarocks.blogspot.com
What Will You See Next: http://mediangler.com
Pricewatch: http://irishtimes.com/blogs/pricewatch

Utterly New To Me:

Community Voice Musings: http://communityvoicemusings.blogspot.com
Freelance Writer Ireland, Copywriter Ireland, Calvin Jones: http://blog.cjwriting.com
Techwire: http://yourtechstuff.com
Stony River Farm: http://stonyriverfarm.blogspot.com
Blog Of Revelations: http://wordpress.hotpress.com/petermurphy
BBC Will And Testament | William Crawley’s Broadcasting Diary: http://bbc.co.uk/blogs/ni
Malachi O’doherty: http://modoherty.wordpress.com
Limerick Leader – On The Beat: http://limerickleader-onthebeat.blogspot.com
Bbc News | The Reporters | Mark Devenport: http://bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters/markdevenport