Posts from — January 2008

The Grauniad’s weekend alter ego reports that the Gardaí, after hearing that their opposite numbers in the North were seeking Taser guns, have followed suit and are looking to arm themselves with the devices.

The controversial devices have hit the headlines recently (and have done for several years), linked with a number of deaths, including that of a Polish national at Vancouver airport towards the end of last year.

They fire two electrodes at the victim and deliver a 50,000 volt shock through their body, incapacitating them entirely and sometimes killing them outright.

The news that the gardaí are looking into them comes at the same time as Taser unveil their newest toy, dubbed the iTaser. A leopard-skin version of the Taser now comes with an mp3 player built into the holster, with huge potential for electrode/earphone mixup hilarity.

For a force that kicked up such a fuss over the Pulse system, it sounds like the gardaí are finally looking to new technology.

The big questions:

Will misuse see gardaí charged with batteries? (AAAs, we reckon)
Will they become a shocking force to be reckoned with?
What will the average blueshirt play on his iTaser?

Electric Avenue?
Electro-Shock Blues?
Overpowered?

Answers on an angry left-wing petition….

Via Shane  comes word of one of Ireland’s landmark legal cases:

D4 Saps v. D4 Sap 

Wasting government money in a court near you very soon, if Labour Councillor Sean Kenny has anything to do with it. Clearly not a fan of personal responsibility, Mr Kenny (pictured on the way to Raheny Village) has responded to news that D4 drivers whose cars are being damaged by sap dripping from trees with gushing sympathy. The angry folk from the leafy suburbs aren’t happy to stump up for sap removal, so they’re branching out legally, and suing the trees.
Apparently tree sap is at the root of the issue, dripping down from the canopy above and wreaking havoc with the metallic paint jobs of myriad Mercedes, Jaguars and Porsche Chimaera 4X4s.
The council has (rightly) batted away several claims for compensation already but the D4 tree-haters won’t leaf it alone, so the High Court is preparing to hear the landmark case post-haste.
Evergreen Labour Party sap Seán Kenny has effectively backed up D4 claims that one has a right to expect a tree to ‘hold in’ its natural fluids if there’s a posh car parked underneath. He has called on the council to carry out an audit of the city’s roadside trees and restrict the planting of tree species which cause damage to cars. He also wants the council to assist residents in the removal of sap from cars.

The council, however, has advised the saps to remove themselves from their cars and go get a bucket, sponge, and some soapy water.

For once, a council edict you can agree with.

For Seán Kenny, we recommend an adult dose of Agent Orange.

The genius timewasters over at b3ta have been running a competition – change one letter of a film title and Photoshop the results.

It’s one of their best in a long time.

Click here for the most popular posts so far. Two more below the fold for nerdy fans.

[Read more →]

Coming to Australia? Planning on driving anywhere? Here’s my advice to you: Learn the rules about parking, because if you don’t it will cost you a fortune.
I returned to my car last night to find it slapped with a $137 fine for parking with the bonnet pointing the wrong way. On the quiet, residential street behind my house, I tucked the car into an enormous spot and backed it up close to a tree, about four inches from the kerb.

This was not acceptable. My car was pointing north. It should have pointed south. Is this a south-centric policy? A slur on people from the northern hemisphere? Sure, we robbed Australia of ozone, but we also populated the country to start with.

Don’t get caught out. The RTA’s  parking booklet stretches to 15 pages – read every one. The bit about which way to point your car is hidden on page 14. Cunts. I’m holding one finger up – is that pointing the right way, you bastards?

New Year’s Resolutions, along with cheap board games, roller blades and fitness equipment, have a tendency to end up in the cupboard under the stairs by mid-January.  A musty head of red wine on New Year’s Day and pressure from a partner of the opposite sex can lead to drawing up lists of completely unreasonable goals. Triple my productivity. Volunteer once a week at a shelter/orphanage/sanctuary for dangerous and ungrateful animals. Learn Arabic. End world hunger.

So this year I’m keeping it simple. One public New Years Resolution that is a perfect catch-all:

BE LESS TOLERANT

The benefits are manifold. It promotes honesty, and thus people know where they stand. Ambiguity is rendered extinct. No more friendship-feigning or unnecessary faux politeness to people who are quite clearly unworthy of it. Unacceptable behaviour gets called out. Bills get paid. Things stay clean. Badly cooked steaks get sent back to the kitchen and tips are forgone if the service is poor. Queue-jumpers stay in line.  Redundant phrases are deleted from copy. Dead space is cropped from photos. Order is preserved. And if you demand that of others, you must demand it of yourself in equal measure, and expect others to demand it of you, too. Thus, everyone wins.

Except the bastards among us, who get checked in their malodorous steps. But eventually they win too, because they learn some life lessons along the way. Life is improved.

Be less tolerant in 2008, folks. If you’re a naturally nice person, do it with a smile on your face.

Happy New Year.