It is that time – the time runners seldom shout about. It’s a time for delicacy and precision. It’s time for a steady hand and unwavering nerves. It’s time, ladies and gentlemen, for me to shave my nipples.

This is no self-indulgent exercise, born of a vain desire to have smooth and streamlined nipples, lest one peek out of my singlet on race day (I’ll be wearing a t-shirt). Shaving one’s nipples is a purely utilitarian and raceworthy act. Otherwise, I’d be leaving that nice, warm bushel of hair on my nipples for the cold mornings. I’m not over-burdened with chest hair, either, so I’m not in the habit of shaving it off. Grow it while you have it, or before it goes gray.

There’s also my innate and completely reasonable fear of slicing a nipple off in the process. A friend of mine came close to losing one of her nipples during a freak armpit-shaving accident. It’s a long slip from pit to nip, but when the foam is flying, apparently, the razor can roam south-west fairly rapidly.
Waxing is not an option either. I’ve woken up in a cold sweat from that dream where you end up with an entire nipple stuck, inside out and bloodied, on a very adhesive wax strip.

Despite the reservations, however, this evening my nipples will go bald, and with good reason.

Over a certain time, say, 60 or 70 minutes of running, certain things begin to happen to any protrusions from the skin. Say you’re taking 100 steps a minute, maybe more if you’re running a good pace, whatever you’re wearing jiggles up and down 100 times a minute, and if it’s loose, or even if it’s tight, you risk a fair bit of friction building up between it and your beloved nipple/mole/other unmentionable.

So the natural thing to do is to make sure you’ve got a plaster or something covering said protrusion. But plasters don’t stick to hairy nipples – at least not for long – and certainly not if you’re sweaty. They just slide off. And if you’ve seen a road race before, and seen people finishing with little bloody streaks down their t-shirts, it’s because they forgot to protect a nipple.

There are other precautions too: Vaseline on other areas that tend to rub/jangle. Sunscreen. A few Panadol.

But nothing says “Raceday is approaching” like the ceremonial nipple-shaving.

Click the pic to donate to

Markham’s charity, the MS Society